Xander – The Zeppo
by Beloved
Summary: This centres on Xander, and will eventually be a XanderSpike fic. It is set near the beginning of Season Four just pretend Riley and Anya never exsisted it’s not hard, really. Oh, and Tara hasn’t really come into it yet. WIP
1. chapter one

Xander quietly re-entered his basement apartment and flopped, exhausted, onto his sofa-bed.  
  
He just sat there, with his eyes closed for a few minutes, then he pulled a Twinkie out of pocket, and stuffed it into his mouth whole, and started to eat contentedly.  
  
When he finished his Twinkie, he stood up and walked over to one corner, where a few unpacked bags and boxes still stood, from his trip.   
  
"I can't believe that I've been home for what? 3 weeks? And I still haven't fully unpacked yet!" he muttered as he started pulling dirty clothes from one bag and throwing them in the general direction of the washing machine.  
  
It was in this bag that he found something which stopped him from continuing to unpack.  
  
"My Scooby Diary! I wondered where I'd put it!"  
  
It was a small red notebook, and on the front were the words, 'Slayerette Diary. Xander Harris. Year 4. AG - After Graduation.'  
  
He grabbed this book and flung himself back onto the sofa.  
  
He had been writing his Slayerette Diaries more or less since he met Buffy. He had thought that if Watcher's could do it, why not a Slayerette?  
  
But, slowly, they went from being an account of all of his adventures with Buffy, to being something that he poured his heart and soul into.  
  
He pulled the pen from the spiral spine, quickly flipped to a clean page, and started to write.  
  
I know, I know, I haven't written for a while, but I've only just found you again in the mess that is my packing.  
  
Well, I've been back in Sunnydale for about three weeks now.   
  
They all seemed happy to see me for a while - besides Oz, but I never could tell how he felt, even if we still got on (kinda) after 'The Clothes Fluke'.  
  
Well, one of the first things I did when I returned was help Buffy with a roommate problem.   
  
Turned out that her roommate, Kathy, was actually a demon from another dimension.   
  
She actually *wanted* to go to college (scary) so badly that she ran away from her home and her dimension, and impersonated a normal college girl.   
  
Problem was that her dad had sent some fellow demons after her, and they could tell who she was through her being the only student there without a soul.  
  
So, Kathy decided to take Buffy's. She had *no* idea who she was messing with.  
  
The tip-off was Buffy's weird dreams - which turned out to be real - Kathy's soul stealing ritual thingit, and the fact that the lack of a rather large chunk of her soul made a major no-fun Buffy - which Oz and I learnt from experience - she knocked both of us out.  
  
Well, while Buffy and Kathy were fighting, Kathy's dad arrived and took Kathy back.  
  
I'm just glad we realised that Buffy was telling the truth - Buffy really though that Kathy was a demon, and we just thought it was roommate angst, or PMT or something. That is, until G-man noticed that Kathy's nail clippings (which Buffy, getting slightly obsessive due to the lack of part of her soul, had collected) were still growing! Major ew factor injected here. Well, Willow and Giles did a spell to restore Buffy's soul to Buffy, and Kathy left.  
  
The only really good thing that happened because of Kathy was that Willow and Buffy ended up roommates. That made them happy, therefore I was happy.  
  
However, that wasn't the only really bad thing that happened, that was only the first thing that happened after I returned.   
  
This next thing wasn't really of the supernatural persuasion (well, maybe a little, it being werewolf related) but it hurt my Will, so it deserves a place in here.  
  
Oz left. Pig that he is!  
  
I know, I know, Oz is a nice enough guy (under normal circumstances - such as, when there's not a full moon) it's just that I've never really though he was good enough for my Will, (not that I've thought *anyone* was good enough for Will).   
  
Turns out I was right.  
  
This new band was in town, led by some girl called Veruca. Nice looking, in a goth way - but no patch to my Will though.   
  
Well, it turns out that she was a werewolf too, and Oz slept with her when they wolfed out one night.   
  
When Will went down to Giles' basement to unlock the cage, she found them (human now) together. Together in the literal sense (as well as the naked sense).  
  
Well, Oz was dead set on getting Will to forgive him, and so he told Veruca that he never wanted to see her again. This made her *very* mad, so mad in fact, that she went to find Willow. She found her, and then tried to *kill* her!! Oz killed her though, and saved Willow.   
  
Well, all this took it's toll on both of them, but Will was willing to forgive Oz and give their relationship another try. Oz however, wasn't.  
  
It was the wolf inside of him that had attracted him to Veruca in the first place, and that same thing nearly got Will killed.   
  
He said that the wolf was inside of him, part of him, and until he could except that, and was able to control his wolf powers, that he wasn't safe to be around.   
  
He said he could not bear the thought of endangering Willow's life any more.   
  
Sickening.   
  
I wish to God I'd been there when he left (don't know where I was at this time - probably in work, oh yeah, I'm working as a bartender in a gay bar on the other side of town, I haven't told the guys though, don't want to freak them out) - he deserved to have his lights punched out for breaking my Willow's heart - not that I wouldn't have enjoyed it - get him back for punching me, and, of course for even *thinking* that he deserved my precious Will.  
  
But, all that wasn't the most earth-shattering thing that happened - from my point of view anyway.   
  
*He* returned.   
  
The sexiest man I have ever had the misfortune to meet.   
  
The Blond Menace.   
  
William The Bloody.  
  
Spike.  
  
Yeah. He's back. However, he can't kill us anymore.   
  
These commando guys from the Government, The Initiative, have put a chip in his head that causes him intense pain whenever he tries to hurt anyone.   
  
Although I'm glad that he can't kill us, I find it disgusting what they've done to him. No-one knows this, but I've been trying to find out a way to remove it.   
  
The only other advantage to the chip is that Spike is staying with Giles until Giles can ensure that it is safe to let him out into society (G-man's words, not mine), so I get to see him often.   
  
However, seeing him often is becoming more of a hindrance that a help, as it is getting harder and harder to hide my attraction to him. Let's just say I'm especially glad that all my pants are baggy.  
  
Well, you may also have noticed, I'm no longer in denial about my sexuality. I'm gay and I'd better get used to it.   
  
I mean, between Larry and my trip, I *know* I'm not 100% heterosexual (although Baywatch babes still turn me on), and my intense attraction to Spike makes me think I'm more bent that straight.  
  
Also, there's Wills. I honestly believe that if we had ever got together properly - not like 'the clothes fluke', we would have been the perfect couple.   
  
But, I have to say that, now, I'm glad she didn't hear me tell her I was in love with her when she was in hospital in a coma during the Angelus period. Although I am now certain that she is the only woman I have ever really loved in a romantic way, I *do* seem to prefer the company of other men.  
  
Especially short, muscley, blond, British, Billy-Idol wannabe, undead vampire men!  
  
God!   
  
Spike!   
  
Why him? 


	2. automatic response

A few weeks later, Xander was shoved down the stairs to the basement. He was bleeding, bruised and battered.   
  
He had returned home late from patrol, a little worse for wear, only to be greeted by both a pissed and pissed off father.   
  
His father had found out that Spike had been staying over, so, first he beat Xander within an inch of his life, raped him on top of that, then shoved him down the stairs with a shout that the rent was due at the end of the week.  
  
When Xander finally regained consciousness, he crawled over to the sofa-bed and slept.   
  
When he awoke, the sofa was covered in his blood, but he didn't seem to give a damn. He sat up slowly, and just sat there for a few minutes, head in his hands, before pulling his diary from under the sofa.  
  
However, he pulled out the wrong diary, and came up with one from his senior year.   
  
With a sad smile of acknowledgement when he realised which Diary it was, he let it fall open and started to read.  
  
The Zeppo. That was one insult of Cordy's that really got to me.   
  
My own actual reference of Jimmy Olsenness was bad enough, but for my ex-girlfriend to notice, it shows how much The Scooby Gang really *doesn't* need me.   
  
The Zeppo. Jimmy Olsen. Donut Boy.  
  
Unneeded except for menial tasks.   
  
Probably unwanted on top of that….  
  
That paragraph reminded him how close he had been then to the point he was at now - only basically saving the world single-handedly brought him out of that funk.  
  
He smiled another sad smile at the thought of Jack O'Toole being scared enough of him to disable that bomb, only to be eaten by the Oz Wolf.  
  
"If I hadn't got him to disable that bomb, the entire Scooby Gang would have died before Buffy and Faith could have killed that demon, and the Hellmouth would have opened."  
  
He also remembered that just *knowing* he had saved them all had been enough to him them.   
  
It wasn't now.  
  
Leaving the diary open at that page, he laid it out in full view on the coffee table.  
  
Then he went to his wardrobe and pulled out all of his Slayerette Diaries, and piled them beside the table.  
  
Finally, he reached back under the sofa and pulled out his present diary, to record his final entry.  
  
Dad did it again. That was the last straw. The guys have been treating me like nothing for a while. Buffy and Willow are too wrapped up in the whole college thing to care about me.   
  
Willow' s still upset about Oz, and only wants me there to listen to her moan about it, and G-man, well, he's still depressed because he's a lonely and unemployed librarian and ex-Watcher to bother with me.  
  
The only one who was keeping me together, was, surprisingly, Spike.  
  
As Giles and I have been alternating between having him stay with us, Spike and I have got to know one another.   
  
Our scathing remarks have faded into more like friendly banter - of course, none of my supposed friends have noticed this.  
  
Problem with Spike and I becoming friends though, is that now I know that there's more to him than his looks - however sexy they may be.  
  
Now I know there's really a brain - and a smart one at that, and real substance behind that gorgeous body, I had to go and fall in love with him!!  
  
Well, he was enough to hold me together - until today.   
  
Dad found out that Spike had been staying over, and so decided that Spike must be my latest boyfriend (I wish), so first he decided to try to beat the gayness out of me (again), then, when he was drunk enough, he decided to join in.  
  
As you know, he *has* done it before - on and off since I was 9 actually, but he hasn't done it to me since, well, the night I stood up to Angelus in the hospital.   
  
You remember I told you how I got a little cocky after chasing Angelus away from the hospital, but I don't want to think about that.  
  
But after then, when he ruptured something inside me, and had to get Uncle Rory to take me to a hospital outside of town, I didn't think he'd rape me again.  
  
But that was it.   
  
The last straw.   
  
I can't hold it together anymore.   
  
I can't cope.   
  
Not even Spike can hold me together.  
  
With that last decisive full stop, Xander turned to the back of the diary and tore a blank page out.   
  
Then he went to the corner cupboard where he kept his First Aid kit and pulled out a tub of tablets (necessary evil, between his father, patrol, and working in a gay bar), then went to another cupboard and pulled out a few bottles of whisky.   
  
Setting all of this stuff down carefully on the coffee table, he picked up his sheet of paper and a pen and started to write.  
  
To the guys, (that means you too Spike)  
  
I'm sorry that you had to see me like this, I'm sorry if I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I had to go this way, but I just couldn't take anymore.  
  
I mean, I know I'm The Zeppo of The Scooby Gang (Giles, if you don't understand that reference, one the others will explain), but recently, I feel completely unwanted and unneeded – more so than usual.  
  
The only person who seems to really acknowledge may presence, and actually talks to and listens to me is Spike. (Thank You Spike).  
  
I mean, you three are supposed to be my best friends (especially you Will), and none of you have noticed what a bastard my father really is (OK, that's partly my fault, as I was kinda hiding it from you, but I thought that at least Will would have noticed).  
  
My father has been beating my for as long as I can remember, (no Will, he didn't stop when I hit puberty, I just didn't want you to think of me as a wimp - still unable to defend myself once I was a teenager) - it's been worse since I came back from my trip.   
  
My dad doesn't really approve of his gay son. (Yeah, another surprise for you, I've finally accepted, and am admitting that I'm gay.) Hypocrite that he is.  
  
Here's another fact that none of you know (not even Will and Spike).   
  
My dad has been raping my on and off since I was nine years old. (that's what I mean about the hypocrite comment.)  
  
Until tonight, the last time he raped my was the night I kicked Angelus out of the hospital when Buffy was sick - you three didn't even notice that I went missing for a few days because I was admitted to a hospital outside of town when my dad ruptured something inside of me.  
  
Well, while both my mind and my life was in turmoil, you know who the only one I could confide *HALF* of this stuff to was?   
  
The only one who seemed to care?   
  
Spike.  
  
Yeah. A soulless demon (no offense Spike) who has tried to kill me on more than one occasion, seemed to care about me more than my supposed best friends.  
  
When Spike found out about my dad beating me he set off his chip pacing the basement telling me of all the ways he would kill my father.  
  
Well, I just want to get to the point.  
  
I don't own much, but you can all have whatever you like - except for the following things:  
  
I want all of you to read my Slayerette Diaries (yes, I kept diaries), but I want Spike to have the last one - and be the first to read it. Otherwise all the other Diaries will belong to Will.  
  
And Spike. I want you to have my comic book collection. And I have a surprise for you. In my secret hiding place (that I know that you know) where I keep my special additions, you will find a sheet of paper, telling you how to have the chip removed. You're welcome!  
  
That is my last wish. Guys, let Spike have the chip removed, and Spike, don't kill them.  
  
Also, if you kill my father, I wouldn't mind.  
  
Well, that's about it.   
  
I love you all, and I'll miss you all a lot, but I just couldn't cope with my life anymore.  
  
Goofily Yours  
  
Xander  
  
x  
  
When he had finished his letter, he placed it on top of his present day diary, and started to work his way through the tablets, a dozen or so at a time, washing them down with the whisky, until there was no whisky left and he faded into unconsciousness. 


	3. why didn't you tell me?

Spike had been asleep on Giles' sofa, but as soon as Xander slipped into unconsciousness, Spike shot awake, with a shout of, "Xander! XANDER!!"  
His cries awoke Giles, and the still half-asleep Watcher stumbled into the living room to see Spike, now fully awake and dressed, pacing up and down the room, phone in hand, muttering repeatedly, "Pick up, pick up, pick up."  
Giles was about to ask what was wrong when Spike stopped his muttered mantra and started talking.  
"Red? Get the Slayer up and get dressed. Xander's in trouble. No I don't bloody know what kind! I don't know how I know, I just bloody DO! Yeah. Meet ya at the basement."  
When he put down the phone he turned to Giles and said, "In-case you didn't get that, Xander's in trouble, so go and bloody well GET DRESSED!!!!"  
Dazed, Giles just did as he was told.  
Driving like a maniac on the now silent streets, Spike and Giles made it to Xander's in record time, to be met by a worried Willow and an annoyed Buffy.  
"This had better be good Spike. Or you and Mr. Pointy are gonna get personal."  
For once not bothering to retort, Spike just said, "Shh, his parents are asleep, or unconsciousness from the alcohol."  
Then he quietly unlocked the door - with a key that none of the others had known he had, and then raced down to the basement, the others hard at his heels.  
Obviously, Spike was the first to reach Xander's side, and, if it's possible, went even paler at the sight of Xander.  
He brushed his hand down Xander's left cheek and whispered, "Oh Xanpet. What did you go do this for?"  
Then he went into action. He grabbed the cordless phone and threw it at Giles.   
"Watcher. Phone an ambulance. Overdose mixed with whiskey. Red. Find me some blankets or summat. Need to keep 'im warm."  
They all just stood there, staring at him.  
"Bloody Hell! Do it NOW!!" he shouted at them. Giles and Willow immediately did as they were told.  
Buffy, not having been given any orders, walked over to Xander and Spike, and, seeing how upset Spike seemed to be, put her hands on her hips and said, "Why do you care Spike?"  
Spike just looked at her in disbelief and said, "What?"  
"Why do you care whether or not Xander lives or dies? I mean, I thought you wanted to kill us all?"  
Spike shook his head in disbelief. "God. He was right. You really *are* oblivious to him. He's my bloody *friend* Slayer! And the only one of you I wanna kill - especially right now, is YOU!"  
Giles had just finished his phone call and dropped the phone in surprise to Spike's reaction, and Willow - who had just walked back in from the bedroom, arms laden with blankets, dropped them and then tripped over them in surprise. Spike just looked at them and said, "Red, Get up. Slayer, Watcher, close your mouths. Watcher, how long is that ambulance gonna be?"  
Giles blinked a few times, took off his glasses and started to polish them as he replied, "Er… a-about five to t-ten minutes."  
"OK. Red, blankets?"  
Willow got up quickly and rushed over with the blankets. She started to tuck them around Xander, but froze when she saw Xander's face. She pushed a lock of hair from Xander's eyes and whispered, "Oh Xander. Why did you do this?" tears streaming down her face.  
Giles, who looked on the verge of tears himself, replied, "I-I think t-t-this tells us w-w-w-why," he stuttered, passing Xander's suicide note to Willow. Who read it with Buffy and Spike over her shoulder .  
However, Spike stopped reading as soon as the letter spoke of the raping.   
He let go of Xander's hand (which he had unconsciously grabbed as soon as he had sat on the floor beside the sofa) and started to pace, muttering, "I can't believe he didn't tell me! Idiot!"  
He glared at the still form that was Xander and shouted, "You better not die on me now! Before I can kill you for *not* telling me!"  
Then he started pacing again, muttering, "He raped you! He bloody *RAPED* you!!  
When he said 'raped' the second time, he punched the kitchen table with all his might, and it split in two.  
"You CONFIDED in me about the beatings, but he didn't tell me that he *RAPED* YOU!! I'm gonna bloody well KILL him!!"  
When Spike said 'kill', he punched the wall with all his might, and his hand went right through the wall.  
He punched the wall repeatedly, muttering, "I'm gonna kill him," until the chip caused him to keel over in pain.  
Willow was now sobbing into an arm of the sofa. Giles had gone outside - supposedly to wait for the ambulance, but it was also so that the girls did not see his tears. Buffy was crying too, but more like silent tears streaming down her face as she paced in front of the sofa. "Oh Xander. Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you at least tell Will? And, where did the Zeppo reference come from? You know we all care about you!"  
During Buffy's little speech, Spike had staggered to his feet. When Buffy had finished, he started towards her with a look of resigned disbelief.   
"Bloody Hell!! He was right! You really don't have a bloody damn clue!"  
He picked up the Slayerette Diary left open on the coffee table and thrust it into Buffy's hands.  
"*This* will tell you *part* of why he feels you ignore him!"  
Buffy just stared at him for a moment, then at the diary before starting to read avidly.  
Spike then patted Willow comfortingly on the shoulder and said, "Red, he's gonna be alright. I'll make sure of it."  
Then, with his head down so that neither of them could see the emotions flitting across his face, he started to gather some clothes together for Xander.   
He was more or less done when Giles came downstairs, with a few ambulance men and a stretcher.   
Spike grabbed the bag of clothes and rushed to Xander's side.   
The ambulance men looked Xander over, and spoke quietly for a few minutes - mostly using words the others did not really understand, before putting Xander onto the stretcher.  
As soon as Xander was on the stretcher, Spike grabbed his hand and told them, "I'm going with him."  
Giles, Buffy and Willow, who were all following the stretcher up the stairs, simultaneously cried, "What?!"   
Spike ignored them. The ambulance men glanced at them for a moment, then one turned back to Spike and asked, "And you are?"  
Spike looked surprised at the question, but replied, "Spike."  
The ambulance men rolled their eyes at each other, and then said, "No. I mean, who are you to him?"  
"Oh. Friend. Also his roommate."  
Now at the top of the stairs, the ambulance man nodded back at Buffy, Willow and Giles, and said, "What about them?"  
Spike pulled Xander's suicide note from the depths of one of the pockets of his duster, and gave it to the man, while saying, "They've never cared when he ended up in hospital 'coz of his father before, why should they start now?"  
Skimming the letter the man sent a look of contempt to the others before nodding to Spike, allowing him into the ambulance and driving away, leaving the other three standing there in shock for a few minutes, before quickly scrambling into Giles' pathetic excuse for a car and following the ambulance at top speed. 


	4. insurance

By the time they arrived, Xander was already in the Emergency Room.  
They ran to the receptionist and cried, "Xander Harris!" to which the receptionist replied, "You mean the dark-haired lad who came in with the blonde guy who was growling?"  
They looked at each other for a moment, before replying in the affirmative.  
"He's in the Emergency room at the moment, but you can go wait in Waiting Room 3 with the blonde guy. You will be notified as soon as his condition changes. And, by the way, are any of you a Mr. Rupert Giles?"  
"Yes," Giles said, stepping forward.  
"The blonde guy said you were Alexander's next of kin, is that correct?"  
Giles replied in the affirmative once again.  
"Well, I need you to sign a few forms, and I need to know who is paying for his hospital fees."  
"I am," an easy to recognise British-accented voice stated.  
"And your name is?"  
"William. William Brough."  
"And how will you be paying this bill. Cash, Cheque or Credit Card?"  
"Cash."  
"Sign here please. Initial here. Sign here again. Thank you."  
Then Spike turned on his heel and went back to the waiting room, the girls on his heels - as Giles still had papers to sign. 


	5. I care about him!

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Buffy started in on Spike. "Who the hell do you think you are!?! Going in the ambulance with him! That should have been Willow! Or at least Giles or me! Since when have you cared about Xander that much?! And don't give me that bullshit about him being your friend, 'coz there's no way you'd go this far out of your way for a 'mate'. And anyway, where are you gonna get the money to pay for Xander's bill? Thought you were.... what's the word you use? Skint."  
Spike growled and glared at her before replying. "I care about Xander, and, by the looks of things, a lot more than any of you do! Did you know he's tried to kill himself before?"  
The girls gaped at him when they acknowledged this fact, as did Giles, who had just come in – but as Spike had his back to the door and was focusing on Buffy he did not notice.  
"No? Well, the first time that I know of was during his Senior year, about the time he wrote that part of the diary that you were starting to read before Slayer. You should all read that part – full of stuff that happened the night the Hellmouth almost opened that time that none of you know about. Then, when I arrived, he tried it after his dad beat him to a pulp, - he said me coming in, and being around afterwards was the only thing that stopped him from doing it again. That's when we became friends. I really *was* the only thing holding him together, but I guess that wasn't enough."  
By this time, silent tears were streaming down Spike's face, and he stopped to wipe them away before continuing.  
"Oh, and for your information, I am not skint. It's just that most of my money was tied up in Europe. I mean, I've been alive for over 100 years, and you think I didn't learn a thing or two about money? What do you take me for? The Poof? Well, when I found out about that-that bastard beating Xan, I started to pull my accounts together, so I could turn my paper money into proper American cash, so that I could get Xan a proper apartment, away from his bastard of a supposed father. Came through yesterday. Over $100, 000. More than enough to pay a pesky hospital bill. There, that enough information for ya?"  
At Buffy's baffled nod, he said, "Good. If I were you, I'd finish reading that diary entry, and Red, Watcher, you should read it to."  
At that, Willow, Buffy and Giles huddled together around the diary, and Spike resumed his pacing in front of the door. 


	6. And Now You Know Just How Much!

By the time the three of them had finished the diary entry, they were all in tears.  
Spike just looked at them, a hint of a smile on his face now he saw that they finally realised how much Xander really had done for them.  
"Guess you know where The Zeppo reference came from now heh Slayer?"  
She just looked at him, eyes full of pain and tears. "I-I-I had no idea."  
"He saved our lives that night," Willow added.  
Spike looked at them in contempt. "No he didn't. He saved the *world* that night Red. If the school had blown up, you would'a all died, an' then the 'ellmouth would'a opened up, an' sucked the world inta 'ell. 'e was a hero that night, an' a fully 'uman, superpower-less one at that. That boy in there is stronger than any of you pillocks! Not only has he helped to save the world, saved it single-handedly, and dealt with the day to day business of *knowing* that you live on a 'ellmouth without the help of any extra powers, such as vampire, slayer, watcher, werewolf or witch, he has also dealt with being in a house with an alcoholic family who have abused  
him for the last 20 bloody years!!! In the 126 years that I have been alive, I have *never* seen another with such determination the live. Until now."  
He then turned to face them all properly, oblivious to the tears streaming down his face.  
"And now, just as I was beginning to realise what a redeeming quality that is, and was starting to attempt to rebuild the self confidence that *you lot* and his parents broke in him, he goes and does this!"  
At that, Spike picked up the nearest chair, and flung it against the wall with all his strength, and it shattered.  
At that, the others just looked at him in surprise, as he slid down the wall and sank to the floor, where he flung his head back in a loud long howl of despair, before becoming overcome with sobs. 


	7. Shared Pain

The other three just looked at him for a moment in complete shock, before Willow, ever the humanitarian, went over to him, and, regardless of her own pain and tears, she wrapped her arms around him and muttered into his ear soothingly, not even thinking about the fact that Spike was a vampire, and a soulless one at that. To Willow, he was a person who cared about Xander, and who was in pain because of it. A person who shared her pain - and that was more than enough for her.  
After a few minutes, Spike's sobs slowly subsided, although tears continued to stream silently down his face.  
He took his head from Willow's shoulder and, wiping his eyes and taking a deep - if unneeded breath, he looked at her and said, "Oh Red, I'm sorry. You must be just as upset, and I guess I'm not exactly helping am I?"  
Willow smiled at him, even if it was a little watery, and replied, "It's alright Spike. You've told us a few home truths, and this has made me realise how much Xander means to me. I love him so much -"  
at the look of fear she saw flit across Spike's face - however quickly it was masked, Willow was quick to add - "like a brother, and I can't bear the thought of life without him. I'm glad you said what you did. It was stuff we *all* needed to hear." At that, she glared at Giles and Buffy, who nodded in reply - if not somewhat reluctantly. 


	8. Can I we go see him?

Before anyone else could say anything there was a knock at the door, and the doctor walked in.   
"Are you the people here for a Mr. Alexander Harris?"  
At that, Spike quickly scooped Willow into his arms and stood up, plopping willow down in front of him. They all nodded decisively.  
"Well, he's had his stomach pumped, and we managed to regurgitate most of the substances from his system. He's breathing on his own now. He's still in ICU, so we can keep an eye on him-"  
Spike quickly got fed up, and interrupted, "Is he alright? When can I - we see him?"  
The doctor looked at Spike and smiled. "Spike, I presume?"  
Spike nodded, a little shocked,. "Yeah. How do you know that?"  
"The paramedics who brought Alexander in for a start, as well as Alexander."  
This caused the entire group to gasp.  
"You mean, he's speaking? He's gonna be OK?" Willow said.  
"Yes Miss. It'll take awhile, but he's a strong boy. Everything he's endured over the course of his life has seen to that. But yes, it'll take a little time, but he'll pull through. Alexander's going to be fine."  
"What did he say?" Spiked, getting back to the point.  
"Well, after 'Am I dead?' he immediately asked for a Spike. When I asked who, he said 'the guy who brought me in - it must have been him. Short, blonde, good-looking, probably growling?' At that, I knew who he meant immediately."  
Spike's face had lit up when he finally realised that Xander was going to be alright, but, when the doctor said that Xander had called him 'good-looking' he beamed so wide Willow wondered if his face was going to crack.  
"Can I- we see him?" Spike asked.  
"Yes - but not for long now. He cannot get too stressed," the doctor replied.  
No sooner were those words out of the doctors mouth, than Willow lept into Spike's arms with a squeal - "Ah! He's gonna be alright Spike! He's gonna be alright!"  
Spike just swooped her up and twirled her around in a circle, his smile seeming to widen even more in his and Willow's shared delight.  
When they quietened down, and Spike set Willow back on solid ground, the doctor held open the door for them and said "Room 212. Second door on the right."  
At that, they all rushed out of the room. 


	9. Seeing him

At that, they all rushed out of the room, Spike picking up the bag with essentials for Xander first, and raced down the corridor.   
Spike reached the door first, and took a deep - if unneeded breath, with Willow not two steps behind him.  
They walked slowly up to the bed, with more than a little trepidation. However, Buffy and Giles, who still felt incredibly guilty, stood in the doorway, just inside the room.  
Spike was the first to step up to the bed. Placing the bag at the foot of the bed, he took one of Xander's hands in both of his, and whispered, "Xan? Xander? It's Spike. Are you awake?"  
At that, Xander's hand squeezed Spike's, and slowly, his eyes opened, and, with a raspy voice, whispered, "Spike? Is that you?"  
Spike squeezed back, and replied, "Yes Xan-pet. It's me. 'ow are you feelin'?"  
Xander smiled at that, and said "Apart from being in hospital, I'm fine."  
Then he quickly changed the subject, before Spike could ask him another question. "What's in the bag? Presents?" he asked, a hopeful grin starting to cross his face.  
Spike grinned back, glad to see the bit of the normal Xander back already. "Sorry Xan-pet, no presents. Clothes mainly, an' your toothbrush an' stuff."  
However, at the look that crossed Xander's face, Spike was quick to add - "However, I also have in here some……….chocolate!" and passed Xander a mars bar, and a rare and favoured luxury for Xander - three bars of Cadbury's chocolate. As it was English, it was imported, much better chocolate than the American kind, but also a luxury way out of Xander's price range. At the look of surprised delight that crossed Xander's face, Spike's smile softened. However, when Xander looked at him in puzzlement, he was quick to explain - "I bought them for you today - and note I said bought, not nicked! I thought you seemed in need in of a little pick me up of your favourite form. Guess I didn't know how right I was did I?" By this time, Spike's smile had long departed, to be replaced with a look that only Xander would be able to tell was guilt.  
Xander was quick to spot it, and squeezed Spike's hand and whispered, "Thanks. But it wasn't your fault - any of it. Did you even read my note?"  
Spike, head bowed, just nodded, unable to look at him for fear of bursting into tears, and just squeezed his hand.  
Xander just squeezed right back as he said - "Well then, you know that you were the only thing that was holding me together! It was nothing that you did or didn't do that put me in here. OK?"  
Spike looked at him then, his eyes filled with unshed tears.  
They had both long forgotten about the other three, who had stood silently throughout their entire conversation.   
However, when Xander - who was sitting up by this time, pulled Spike into his arms (careful not to knock any tubes out) and started to rub his back and whispered softly and comfortingly in his ear as Spike's tears started to fall, Buffy and Giles just gaped in shock. However, Willow just smiled knowingly at the pair, glad to see that Xander finally had someone to make him happy.  
Once Spike's tears had subsided, Spike sat up and, hands still over Xander's, said, "The other's are gonna say I'm monopolising ya in a minute, anyways, I know Red really wants t' talk t' ya."  
At that Willow walked over slowly, the urge to cry increasing with every step closer to the best friend that she had failed. 


	10. Willow

At that Willow walked over slowly, the urge to cry increasing with every step closer to the best friend that she had failed.  
As she passed Spike, he clasped he shoulder for a second, and then leaned against the wall.   
She stood next to the bed, the tear tracks still visible on her face. Her eyes filled with tears once again as she looked at her best friend in the entire world in a hospital bed, pasty-faced, and with tubes stuck into his arms.  
Xander took one look at her face and opened his arms. She carefully hugged him back, and then, with a shiver, placed her head on his shoulder as her gates finally gave way and the tears started to fall.  
Xander just stroked her hair and muttered soothingly in her ear, "Oh Wills. Shush Wills, shhh. It's not your fault Wills. It's not your fault."  
With a deep breath, she sat up and, wiping her eyes looked at him and said, "But I didn't see. I didn't know. I should have known-" and the tears started to fall once more.   
Xander pulled her down beside him on the bed, and ran a hand through her hair and across her cheek before saying - "You saw what I wanted you to see Wills. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to still see me as your childish and immature friend who couldn't stand up to his own father, even when he was bigger than him!"  
"You, you didn't trust me?" she asked shakeingly.  
"Oh no, no! It was never that! I was - I was -" Xander closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. When he opened his eyes again, Spike was standing on his other side, and he squeezed his shoulder gently, giving him the strength to carry on. He smiled at him in recognition before continuing.  
"I was ashamed. Ashamed of what my father did to me, and ashamed that I let him do it, that I couldn't stop him."  
At that, Buffy stepped forward. "But why didn't you tell us Xander? We could have something!"  
"What? And have you notice that there was something wrong? However hard I tried to hide it, it was easy to see - even Spike could see it. You saw what you wanted to see Buffy. You all did. You wanted me to be fine, so I was fine. You were too wrapped up in your own problems to have the added worry of trying to cope with the fact that there was something wrong with your friend. That there was something inside me that caused my father to hate me so much that he did this to me. Tha-"  
Spike cut him off. "Xander! I thought we'd gone through this already! Look, none of this is your fault. None of it! Just 'coz your father is a sick, alcoholic, psychopathic bastard does not mean that he had any right to do any of this to you, and I don't want to hear you say that again OK?"  
Xander just looked at him guiltily. "And don't do that! It's *not* your fault! Not *any* of it! And so I'll have no more guilt or blame placed on you OK?"  
Xander nodded.  
"Right. That's better. Now, we were told that we shouldn't stay long, so we better be leaving. You gonna be OK?"  
Xander looked at him, fear and shame apparent on his face, then he looked down and stammered, in an almost inaudible voice, "W-w-will you- will you stay with me? Please? I-I-I don't want to go to sleep on my own."  
Spike looked at him in shock for a moment, before gently and affectionately brushing a stray lock of hair off Xander's forehead and replying, "Of course I'll stay with you. I'll stay as long as you need."  
In reply, Xander just took his hand and squeezed it.  
Spike then looked at Willow, who nodded in agreement, before turning to Buffy and Giles and saying, "Come on guys, Xander must be tired. Now we know he's ok, we might as well go home."  
Then she turned to Xander and, placing a gentle kiss lovingly on his cheek, said, "I'll be back first thing in the morning. You feel better ok?"  
Xander nodded, and squeezed her hand gently as she slowly moved away from the bed.  
Buffy opened her mouth to object, but Willow saw it and stood at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, resolve face firmly in place, and said "And if either of you dare to object to any of this in the mood that I'm in right now, I'll be giving Amy another companion OK?"   
Buffy and Giles looked at Willow in shock. However, one look at her tired, drained and yet angry and determined face, they scuttled out of the door without another sound.  
Willow nodded after them decisively, and Spike said, "Way to go Red! Way to stand up to the Slayer!"  
Willow looked at him, the tiniest of smiles on her face, and said, "You look after him OK?"  
Spike glanced at Xander, who seemed half-asleep by this time, and, a relieved smile crossing his face, replied, "Always. G'night Red."  
"Goodnight Spike. See you tomorrow Xander."  
In the midst of a wide, sleepy yawn, Xander replied, "Bye Wills."  
And at that, she walked out, closing the door quietly behind her.  
Spike turned back to Xander, and said, "You sleepy?"  
While in the mist of yet another wide yawn, Xander replied with a sarcastic, "How did you guess?"  
Spike chuckled appreciatively, and then stood to drag a chair over to the bed.  
However, he had not taken more than one step away from the bed when Xander grabbed his wrist and asked, worry and fear apparant in his voice, "You're not leaving are you?"  
Spike took the hand holding his wrist and squeezed it gently, before placing it back on the bed and replied, "No, never. I'm just getting a chair Xan. Don't worry. I said I'd stay as long as you needed me and I intend to keep that promise."  
At that, Xander blushed, and Spike smiled, before going and dragging that chair over. 


	11. Song

Then they just looked at each other for a few minutes. This quickly became rather uncomfortable. However, Xander broke the uncomfortable silence with a yawn so wide that Spike heard his jaw crack.   
Spike chuckled quietly, and even Xander managed a sleepy smile in return.  
"You gonna sleep now then Xan?" Spike asked quietly.  
Xander nodded, and then opened and closed his mouth several times as if he was trying to ask Spike something.  
"What's wrong Nummy? You OK" Spike asked worriedly, tightening his hold on Xander's wrist.  
Xander smiled his normal self-deprecating, if somewhat sleepy, grin and replied, "No, no, nothing's wrong. It's stupid really. I was just wondering....."  
"What pet?"  
"Would you – would you...-"  
"Would I what?"  
"Would you sing me to sleep?" Xander finally asked in a tiny, ashamed and at that moment extremely child-like voice.  
Spike looked at him in shock for a moment. Then his lips twitched with the realisation that there was nothing that he would ever be able to deny this beautiful dark-haired boy, and, running a hand through Xander's hair, replied, "Sure, if that's what you want. Any requests?"  
Xander shook his head, "No, just something soft and slow."  
Spike furrowed his brow in thought for a moment, and then mock-glared at Xander before he started to sing the song that had come into his head.  
"I'll be loving you   
Always  
With a love that's true  
Always  
When the thing's you plan  
Need a helping hand  
I will understand  
Always  
Always  
Days may not be fair,  
Always  
That's when I'll be there  
Always  
Not for just an hour,  
And not for just a day,  
And not for just a year,  
But, Always  
Days may not be fair  
Always  
That's when I'll be there  
Always  
Not for just an hour,  
And not for just a day,  
And not for just a year,  
But, Always"  
As he finished, Spike looked into Xander's eyes, only to see that they were closed. Xander was fast asleep, with a smile on his face.  
Spike smiled sadly down at the still bruised boy, before propping his feet up on the bed and opening Xander's diary. 


End file.
